Last Friday I went to the Apple store at The Oaks mall in Thousand Oaks.  It was kind of a dumb move, on paper, because that was the day that the new iPad was released.  In typical disgusting capitalist excess fashion, people had lined up at Apple stores all over the country for 30 hours in advance of the release.  I heard – and this is hearsay, so don’t quote ME – that someone in New York was trying to sell his/her place in line for $1,500.  FOR A PLACE IN LINE.

Hello, this isn’t a Cher concert.

I had to visit the Genius Bar because My Precious is dying.  My Precious is my iPhone 3GS, without which I cannot do my thing on the go.  My thing = checking email, consulting Google maps, texting, posting photos to Facebook and Posterous, etc.  Oh, and making phone calls.  Actually it is that last function that is failing – without warning and with no obvious pattern, during a call the phone will make a ghastly static sound that seems unrelated to my location or its battery level or any other factor.   There are client calls and loved ones to be heard, so I couldn’t wait any longer.  So, to the Genius Bar I went.  An Apple employee assured me that since I had an appointment, I would be able to simply go check in and be seen right away, iPad junkies be damned.

My appointment was for 2:30 PM, and I needn’t have worried about the crowds.  I got to the store around 2:15, and saw this:

More Apple Store employees than customers.

Sigh.  I love it here.  Good old suburbia, where people have shit to do so they aren’t camping out in line to get a freaking iPad.

There were signs of a morning rush, however.  When I got to the store I did see a special cart outside that had coffee urns and water bottles and stacks of cups, as if they doled out refreshments to die-hards and the squads of extra employees on hand.  Also, there were several black-clad gentlemen about who were intently staring at everyone.  I caught one’s eye a couple of times, especially after I took photos.

In case you don’t know what the Genius Bar is, allow me:  if you have an Apple product you can make an appointment with a specialist at the Apple store by going online and entering your Apple ID – which you must have if you have an iPhone or an iPad or a Mac computer.  Then you show up at said Apple store and a lovely young gentleman – or woman – will dedicate some time to help you fix your problem.  On this occasion, that help consisted of resetting my iPhone and hoping that fixed it.  Of course, I could have done this by myself at home, but I thought the Genius might have some other solution.

While I waited for my iPhone to reset I got to play a little bit with the new iPad.  (Oh, what, my friend’s website is loaded on there?  What a coincidence!!!)

In the end, my phone was not fixed.  At all.  If you call me, a few minutes into the call your eardrums will start bleeding because of the ghastly static noise that is so loud it can wake the dead.

So I ordered a new one.  It comes on Tuesday.  It’s no iPad, but at least I’ll be able to make some phone calls!

The moral of the story is that if you’re jonesing for a hot new Apple product, get your ass to Thousand Oaks or any other Apple store located at a suburban mall.  Nobody else cares out here.  We have kids to get to school and jobs to get to and spin class to get a ticket for.  We don’t have time for your hipster bullshit, so there will only be one of you in line.